I need a holiday!
I'm still bloody knackered from all the anti-berak berak
medicine I've been taking. This is really unlike me as can be attested to by countless friends of the Reveller
, the chronicler of Jakarta's less salubrious nightlife, who know me as a convivial easy-going kind of guy in the best of physical condition.
Perhaps I'm a little stressed out.
Rent is due and so is a month's pay, last month's. Our landlady wants us to buy the house for a mere zillion, which is cheap by UK standards but then I live and earn here.
Still, I haven't, except in my wildest daydreams, succumbed to the daily strife here quite like this fellow expat
who is well versed in the ways of Jakarta's taxi drivers
.On Friday night I was travelling in a taxi and reading my book, not paying attention. Suddenly I realised the taxi had stopped for no apparent reason. I looked up, and saw a strange man quickly approaching my door, reaching for the door handle, and the driver seemed to recognise him and did nothing to warn me, but actually UNLOCKED THE DOORS. I instantly remembered some security advice about this kind of situation, and slid across the seat, jumped out the other side and began screaming for help frantically exactly as advised.
Lots of shocked onlookers stood around, and several security guards came running, but no-one came to help me. The guy had by now got the door open and grabbed my bag and stood there brazenly, not even scared or running away. This made me very mad, so I ran over and pepper-sprayed his face, kneed him hard in the genitals and gave him a karate chop as he slumped to the floor.
I dragged the taxi driver out and was about to give him a good hiding when a security guard explained that I had arrived at Hotel Shangri-La, and the guy was the doorman welcoming me to the hotel and helping with my baggage. Imagine my embarrassment, but later when we saw the poor guy being loaded still screaming into the ambulance we all had a jolly good laugh at my silly mistake.
Reading this, I realised that we all need somewhere to 'chill', whatever that means, so I've spent some of my sick leave googling and I think I've found the perfect place - The Tofu Islands
.Situated in the South Satay Sea, the twin islands of Mellaria and Rumpapumpaam are home to some of the most beautiful and heavily-logged rain-forests in the world.