Adipose? Corpulent? Fat? Fleshy? Gross? Heavy? Outsize? Overweight? Paunchy? Plump? Porcine? Portly? Pudgy? Roly-poly? Rotund? Stout? Tubby? Weight-challenged? Well-upholstered?
Are you a baby elephant, a blimp, a butterball, a fatso, a hippo or a whale?
Then help is at hand.
Actually, it's on foot.
It's a shoe, it's in grey, it's the famed MBT. Last seen fighting lower body bulge alongside the world's greatest adipose antagonist, Poetic Cosmetics Fatgirlslim, in a neighborhood near you.
No matter how often you forgo the fettuccine, exercise in earnest, swear off sugar or otherwise 'deprive', your cellulite can stick. The telltale unsightly lumps and bumps plague plus-sized soccer moms and bantamweight supermodels alike.
The only proven methods of cellulite reduction require increased circulation to the affected areas. The MBT sneaker engages your entire body and helps direct blood flow to your distressed legs and bum. Slip some on, and make your anti-cellulite crusade almost automatic.
$259 (à la carte $270)Jakartass, of course, isn't American, doesn't scoff fast foods or drink lotsa soda. But if I were overweight (like George Bush), I think I'd prefer to help Roger Pertwee, a neuropharmacologist at Aberdeen University.
He said on Tuesday, "We've discovered to our surprise that cannabis, as well as containing a drug that boosts appetite ~ a condition known as the 'munchies', contains a drug which has a blocking effect.
"The work so far has been working with tissue and we've yet to see what this drug does when we give it to humans."
Thinking of whales
For 15 years, novelist John David Morley dreamed of visiting Lamalera, a remote Indonesian village. He was fascinated by the fishermen who hunted the ocean's most majestic creatures armed with just a harpoon and their courage. But when he finally joined them on their perilous quest, it was an adventure that would test him to his limits.
Thinking of Wales (and Northern Ireland): Players oozing commitment, playing to their system and responding intelligently to tactical changes: what more could England want?
This, of course, refers to Charlton's 100% perfect start to the season.
There'll be no wailing from me this week.
Or fishing.
