Stand Up Guys
On the rare, very rare, occasions that I'm with Our Kid in one of Jakarta's faux recreational areas such as Plaza Senayan, we'll wander between the boutiques with thumbs and little fingers extended from the fists held close to our ears.
We'll shout at each other: Hello. I've got a hand phone, too.
Sometimes, for added amusement, we'll stand at the top or bottom of the escalators, or in doorways, and speak in tongues so that all those who can't squeeze by think we're from Leichtenstein or another exotic country.
I was reminded of these jolly japes by one of my new neighbours who even intruded in last night's mel-odious celebrations by having a lengthy conversation with a distant lass (lady/woman or whatever the politically correct word is). I know it was a she because I could hear her screeching back at him.
Regular readers of my musings will know that I'm not a name dropper or gossip maven. (By the way, I was chatting with SBY the other day and he agreed with me that Indonesian Celebrities is a site for sore eyes.) But I digress ....
Or do I? Because, to paraphrase the immortal words of the immortal Andy Warhol (who I never met, but I did once speak to someone who was second cousin to .....), we are all entitled to fifteen seconds of fame. And that, surely, is what handphones give their possessors. It gives them the opportunity to interrupt meetings and concerts, to lose focus on the moment as others focus on them.
I do not know anyone working for the emergency services, people such as doctors, policemen and the like for whom, I do understand, instant communication devices are essential if they are to save lives. But what is so important that nigh on everyone I know has their handphone almost permanently switched on? It's almost as if the notion of stopping, of doing nothing in the moment, is anathema to them.
Admittedly, there are a few who use the vibrator mode, but there are dangers in this, pleasurable though their regular missives may be.
Samples taken from men attending a fertility clinic revealed that their sperm declined steadily in number, quality and ability to swim as mobile phone usage increased. Where men used their mobiles for more than four hours a day, researchers found a 30% drop in sperm motility or movement and viability when compared with men who did not use a mobile phone.
Not all studies agree with this one, with some suggesting that those who used their phones the most did so sitting down thus inducing greater heat in the testicular area. Heat is, apparently, an inhibitor of sperm. (This, I would dispute, given the high birth rate in the tropics. My resarch has demonstrated quite unequivocally that it is much easier disrobing in hot countries than in more temporate climes.)
However, the message is clear guys. When you call your girl friend, do it standing up.
And if your sperm count is low, then why not give her this?
* Full-function silicone vibrator with interchangeable shafts
* 64 megabytes of RAM with built-in USB port
* Built-in microphone for voice and sound recording
* Two pre-recorded audio fantasies
* Compatible with PC and Mac
* Headphones and USB cable
Or, simply leave the sound off and enjoy an exceptionally quiet yet robust vibe experience.
How long before it incorporates messaging (as opposed to massaging?) and all-purpose remote control?
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